lists and entries from journals, the notes app, etc. from april 21st to april 24th
Untitled entry, 4/21/2023, 2:28 p.m. In a composition notebook.
I spend an entire day listening to the music of dead women, and spend the next listening to the music of women who wish they were dead. Thoreau can go fuck himself— it’s a different world now. There’s no woods to go to, no way for me to escape, so I retreat further and further into myself. An obsession develops with the differences between the physical, the tangible-unseen, and where they overlap. I’ve had an imagined fever for over a week. My temperature, except for the first day where it was 103.6 degrees, has been a consistent 98.1 degrees. Light hurts me. The spring is bright and aggressive, wind rattling the windows and sun leaving claw marks in everything, but not even the rain whips are enough to cool me down. I wear sunglasses every time I leave my room like some bad facsimile of Joan Didion. I am reborn. I am always walking out of the movie theater. Allegory of the Cave was showing & I attended alone & I saw the fire and it hurts. I spiral into nothingness like a seed pod. My hobbies these days include eating frozen food and hoping it’ll put out the fire, and letting my eyes roll back into my head. Imaginary overdose on imaginary drugs, perfect for an imaginary girl. [Illegible] HIKIKOMORI you FUCKING [illegible]
List titled “Recent Dreams”, 4/22/2023, 10:26 a.m. In a notebook.
My mother ate me Little Red Riding Hood style and I had to claw my way out of her stomach
A car crash, over and over
I was a jazz singer in Memphis and I fell in love with a drug runner. We got married and had kids, but when he tried to quit, I watched him get shot by his boss
I was a blade of grass choking on blood because people were killing bison for their pelts
Got the stigmata but bled to death
I was a jellyfish. Terribly happy dream
I was a dead and rotting child, buried under rubble
They made me kill a dragon, but every blow I landed on it also appeared on me
I was a crow sitting on the telephone wire outside my house and watching myself sleep through my bedroom window
Untitled entry, 4/22/2023, 5:13 p.m. In a composition notebook.
Stop. Rethink. You don’t fucking know me. I am not nice. I am a neutral self-serving force, and it is in my interest to be friendly. You don’t know what I’ve done. You don’t know what I’ll do. You have no idea if I give a shit about hurting people— you have no idea how many people I’ve hurt.
I survive and I don’t feel bad about it because I don’t feel the things I don’t want to feel. No guilt. You don’t know anything about the skeletons in my closet. Don’t fool yourself.
List titled “Don’t Fucking Die”, 4/23/2023, 1:43 p.m. In a notebook.
Have some orange juice
Listen to some 60s/70s Peruvian surf rock
Get some whimsy in your life
Sit in the sun for as long as possible. Don’t put on sunscreen until you almost burn
Reduce harm whenever possible
Be scared and be grateful to be scared
It doesn’t fucking matter it really doesn’t
Desensitize yourself. Resensitize yourself.
Stick it to the man… look shittier
Creation— whether it’s creating yourself, art, whatever— is a divine right. In the same vein, not creating is also a divine right as you shouldn’t be forced to make something you don’t want to make.
Things don’t end, they just transform— it may look like an ending, but it isn’t
Follow joy, wherever it may lead. This is a separate and different concept than following pleasure.
The only thing we know is that we know nothing
Embrace complexity, abandon “problematic”
Look. Do not allow yourself to look away.
Guilt will not purify you
Entry titled “Io mi rivolgo”, 4/23/2023, 3:26 p.m. In a notebook.
Found myself thinking of Petrarch’s Io mi rivolgo indietro a ciascun passo earlier this morning during a bout of insomnia, particularly the last two stanzas:
Sometimes a doubt assails me in the midst of sad tears: how can these limbs live separated from their spirit? But Love replies: Do you not remember that this is the privilege of lovers, freed from every other human tie?
See also: two person circus acts (trapeze, aerial, etc), twins (conjoined or identical— fraternal sometimes, but there’s a greater divide there), folie à deux, haunted houses, dance duets (a pas de deux, etc etc— Reckoner), everything else that implies the actions of/history with a third party to push the two involved together.
To be clear, I don’t really give a shit about Petrarch. To be even clearer, it’s about how when achieving perfect isolation between two elements there is always a third party involved, observable through the lack of absence between the two that can only be created by welding them together, which therefore creates a presence.
Untitled notes app entries, dated from 4/22/2023 to 4/24/2023.
i don’t get hungry i just starve
everyone wants to be in a band / everyone wants to save their own life a little / everyone wants to be in the band / everyone wants to save their own life a little
i think about sweetheart grips. i think about the way we incriminate others to feel less alone. we never let go of someone’s hand, even if it means we pull them off the edge of a cliff. what kind of love is that?
im nauseous im dying she ripped my heart out!!!
i don't know how many times this universe has bounced like a check when god couldn't hold his breath anymore but i do know that in the beginning there was space left from where he breathed in and we called it a hole and we called it a grave and we called it a bang and humanity saw it and made guns to bang and put holes in things and to put things in graves because we are all trying to be a little bit more like god and sharing in the act of creation but god is shaking his head because he filled his hole with us and we dug a hole that we didn't need great going team
Untitled entry, 4/23/2023, 10:38 p.m. On a sticky note.
i found an angel on the head of a pin singing songs of death and sin.. what to do with the sun?
List titled “don’t fucking die part 2”, 4/24/2023, 9:18 p.m. In a notebook.
1.) Wake up— sing praises!
2.) Stay in bed— sing praises!
3.) Get up— sing praises!
4.) War paint— sing praises!
5.) Get dressed— sing praises!
6.) Drink water— sing praises!
7.) Make breakfast— sing praises!
8.) Eat breakfast— sing praises!
9.) Breathe the air— sing praises!
10.) Meds— sing praises!
11.) Hear the world-sounds— sing praises!
12.) Hold a device— sing praises!
13.) Respond to accumulated texts— sing praises!
14.) Log on— sing praises!
15.) Do assignments— sing praises!
16.) Stop doing assignments— sing praises!
17.) Watch a video— sing praises!
18.) Play a game— sing praises!
19.) Win a game— sing praises!
20.) Lose a game— sing praises!
21.) Look outside— sing praises!
22.) Palms flat on the table; my hands are real, the table is real— sing praises!
23.) Make lunch— sing praises!
24.) Eat lunch— sing praises!
25.) Don’t get fucking angry— sing praises!
26.) Listen to the birds— sing praises!
27.) Watch the trees move— sing praises!
28.) Listen to a song— sing praises!
29.) Surrender yourself to oblivion— sing praises!
30.) Record neuroses— sing praises!
31.) Get into an argument— sing praises!
32.) Deescalate an argument since nobody else will— sing praises!
33.) Go to your room— sing praises!
34.) Fend off sadness with a pocket knife— sing praises!
35.) Put some love on your immune system— sing praises!
36.) Believe in angels— sing praises!
37.) Believe in transcendentalism— sing praises!
38.) Know where to look— sing praises!
39.) Kiss the angels— sing praises!
40.) Prophesize— sing praises!
41.) Think about something new— sing praises!
42.) Break a pattern— sing praises!
43.) Keep a habit— sing praises!
44.) Open a book— sing praises!
45.) Read a book— sing praises!
46.) Close a book— sing praises!
47.) Get dressed to leave— sing praises!
48.) Put your shoes on— sing praises!
49.) Put your coat on— sing praises!
50.) Go for a walk— sing praises!
51.) Go to the store— sing praises!
52.) Shoplift— sing praises!
53.) Pay with money— sing praises!
54.) Don’t get caught— sing praises!
55.) Walk home— sing praises!
56.) Keep breathing— sing praises!
57.) Go back to your room— sing praises!
58.) Change back into pajamas— sing praises!
59.) Put in a CD— sing praises!
60.) Skip a song— sing praises!
61.) Put in a different CD— sing praises!
62.) Listen to the entire album— sing praises!
63.) Lay in bed again— sing praises!
64.) Get under the blankets— sing praises!
65.) Replay the CD— sing praises!
66.) Try to read again— sing praises!
67.) Fail— sing praises!
68.) Chew gum— sing praises!
69.) Apply more eyeliner— sing praises!
70.) Write another damn list— sing praises!
71.) Think of all the shit you haven’t done yet but need to do soon— sing praises!
72.) Write something dumb— sing praises!
73.) Intellectualize— sing praises!
74.) Spit out the gum— sing praises!
75.) Get a new piece of gum— sing praises!
76.) Wait around to die— sing praises!
77.) Close the heating vent— sing praises!
78.) Open the window— sing praises!
79.) Feel a little more alive— sing praises!
80.) Enjoy the cold— sing praises!
81.) Shut the window— sing praises!
82.) Go back to bed— sing praises!
83.) Replay the CD again— sing praises!
84.) Enjoy the music— sing praises!
85.) Watch the light fade— sing praises!
86.) Jack off— sing praises!
87.) Turn off the lights— sing praises!
88.) Eat a snack— sing praises!
89.) Go back to reading— sing praises!
90.) Play an instrument— sing praises!
91.) Sing— sing praises!
92.) Hit your head on the door frame at the bottom of the stairs— sing praises!
93.) Eat dinner— sing praises!
94.) Watch TV— sing praises!
95.) Do the dishes— sing praises!
96.) Take a bath— sing praises!
97.) Apply lotion— sing praises!
98.) Meds part 2— sing praises!
99.) Back to bed— sing praises!
100.) Go to sleep— sing praises!
Untitled entry, 4/24/2023, 11:53 p.m. In a notebook.
I carry my heart like a balloon
That’s why it’s so hard to reach sometimes
It floats behind me with a light delay but don’t worry
I’ll join the party soon…
i love how all of your dreams are different and the same. I want to get "Guilt will not purify you" carved into my neural pathways.